Superstition

One for sorrow?

If you let it.

Best forget it.

Superstition.

Two for joy?

Maybe.

But I’ll provide the answers,thank you.

Life is neither good nor bad;

It’s what you make it, I think.

Horoscopes, lucky horseshoes

Four-leaf clover, rabbit’s foot.

Lucky charm?

Well not for him it wasn’t.

I wouldn’t ask a wise man or a witch – black or white.

It’s life, not a roll of the dice.

The choices we make,

And the routes that we take

Shouldn’t be done

On the words of some prat in The Sun

Or some Internet wizard who’s programmed to say :

“Beware of the danger

Of hurt from a stranger.

Click twice for happiness.

Link to my web page”

One for sorrow?

If you let it.

Best forget it.

I think.

Holland's Pies

[ A poem from the time of the Sydney Olympics, 2000]

The girl from Greenmount’s boyfriend
Winning Gold for Britain
Swimming with such power, massive thighs
Winning gold with ease
On Holland’s pies and mushy peas
Which the tattoos on his buttocks advertise


Several hours of training
Up and down the cut
Whether it’s rainy or dry
And whenever he’s in need of that bit of extra speed
He grabs himself another Holland’s pie


Something in the pastry
Or the lovely meaty filling
Seems to give him boundless energy
Without flatulence
God willing
Faithful to the end
The athlete’s solid friend
Holland’s, Britain’s premier pie


So as the national anthem plays
Our hero simply says:
I did it for me girlfriend
And I did it for me Mum
But I owe it all to Holland’s
(See the tattoos on me bum)
Without Holland’s steak and kidney
I wouldn’t even be in Sydney
Holland’s - Britain’s medal winning pies
Pop in……..we’re op’n

A Vegetarian Toast

Here’s to all the animals who died so we can eat
Cows and sheep and pigs and chickens ending up as meat

Here’s to modern farming, so efficient in its way
Veal pens and battery hens that must be made to pay

Here’s to all the lorry drivers, all prepared to earn
Transporting frightened animals down a road of no return

Here’s to all the slaughtermen, with guts enough to do it
Butchering in the abattoir, bloody water running through it

Here’s to pet-food processing that takes away the waste
All the unseen horrors that would take away the taste

But here’s to vegetarianism, food that’s just as good
As any chunks of animal, running in its blood

Here’s to all the soya beans, salads, fruits and grains
Without any risk of BSE damaging our brains

For with every scare I realise that daily eating meat
Is a risky choice of protein - our knowledge incomplete

But the choice is for each one of us
Here’s to what you choose
Enjoy!

Red Meat

Red Meat
I love it
I just do

But I don’t wanna be that man
With his finger on the trigger of the killing gun
Or his mates with their sharpened knives
Spending their lives
In meat murder
Feeding their wives
And giving us
Red Meat
So nice to eat

I love red meat
But would I love the awful offal
The nasty waste that nobody sees
In cling-film packets at Sainsbury’s
The waste
The animal lives
Ended, so cruelly
For you and me
Sheep for tea

Does it hurt?
No, not very much
Killed with a quite compassionate touch
Or slit and bled when not quite dead

So wash away the blood
Take away the awful waste
Just leave the taste of meat for me
Pigs for tea
Pork, bacon, ham
Or even Spam
Don’t give me jam
I need my meat to be a big strong man


But…..
I could hate red meat if I really tried
To think about the friend that died
And ended, fried, or curried
I never used to be that worried
But I’m starting to see the hypocrisy
In piecework slaughter
With cruelty

And I quite like cows, but it’s tended to be
On a plate with chips
Killed for me
In the unseen horrors of an industry
That I can’t support any longer

I’m starting to change
So, what’s for tea
Heinz beans
Protein rich
And hopefully
Flatulence free

This Day

[ My Carpe Diem Poem ]

This day will never come again
Do not waste it
It is for living
For it will not come again

Treat it as special, for it is
Live it well
For it will soon be tomorrow
And you would not wish to regret
Things left undone, unsaid

Savour every moment
Pause…. Linger….Enjoy
The colours of it
In its special light
Its scents and smells
Even its weather
Come wind, come rain

Feel it beneath your feet
Take off your shoes and socks and really feel it

Treat it to music - good music
But listen also to its silences, in wonder

Make it the best day you’ve ever had
So that, at its end you can say
I gave it 100%
Really tried
Did it all
Maybe failed
But still, gave it my best shot

Lived, laughed, loved
Helped another
‘Phoned my mother
Tried to be the best I can
Let no man stress me,
Or woman
Come traffic, taxman, politicians
This isn’t just any day
It has been waiting in the wings for us since the dawn of time



So, rejoice and be glad in it
Even for a reason, why be sad in it?
Why spend it in anger, boredom, sin?
Eating chocolate,
Lying-in

Why waste it procrastinating?
Days have been lost by hesitating
Waiting for a better day
That never comes your way

So, all this makes me want to Seize the Day
So none can say – It slipped away

In work and play
Live it
Give it everything
Is there any other way?

And on any day
Treat it as your last, because for some it is
Life is a tender flower and what lies beyond
Unknown
A test of faith

Tomorrow will not worry me
Nor yesterday
All we have
And all we need
Is ……This Day

Kelly Kissed Me

or Love Amongst The Shift Chemists

[At a Warrington chemical works,

young Kelly arouses the feelings of a colleague on the night shift]

“Kelly kissed me,

She rose from the seat where she sat,

And she kissed me.”

But……

The lady denies, with fire in her eyes.

It is lies!

"I didn’t.

I wouldn’t.

He’s older than you, John,

I couldn’t.

And me Mum said I shouldn’t.

I didn’t."

But….

On a night shift one Saturday night,

Not feeling too bright.

I was nodding off, yawning,

When without any warning,

Kelly kissed me.

She rose from the seat where she sat,

And she kissed me,

Twice - First one missed me

She kissed me and then - She did it again

I said “Kelly, Are you pissed?

You just kissed me,

You just couldn’t resist me.

I’ve been kissed once today,

Just in the usual way

But your kisses,

They’re not like the missus’

They’re sweeter”

“Well”, said Kelly,

“That could be the jelly”

“ ‘coz I love being covered in jelly.

Raspberry, lovely and smelly.”

I says with a grin –

“Can I rub it in?”

She says “No, get your hand off my belly”

And later, as Sunday was dawning,

Again with no warning,

As the morning sunlight lit up her hair,

Kelly kissed me, just there..

And each kiss left me reeling.

Such passion, such feeling.

I said “Kelly, Can we do it kneeling?”

“Hang on, it was only a kiss.

I’m not offering sexual bliss.

It’s a token, a greeting,

Two bodies meeting.

Just a kiss.”

“But the feel of your lips,

With your hands on my hips

Oh, Kelly, Why are your kisses so special to me?”

“Ah well”, she says –

“I’m an expert,

I’ve got a degree!”

TO CONCLUDE:

“Wilf, Kelly kissed you?

You’re lyin’

She weren’t even tryin’

Or perhaps it was Brian”

Say what you want,

I’m sure that you will.

But I’ll tell you again,

The truth is still :

Kelly Kissed Me!

So say I'm weary; Say I'm sad

Say that health and wealth have missed me

Say I'm growing old, but add

That Kelly Morton Kissed Me!

Twos

A poem written when I was single. Now I’m happily married, to Kate.

Paired up in Twos

Like they are in the zoos

Is that the ideal, or nearly?

Are you in a two?

How is it for you?

Are you happy?

Well no, not really

The rows and the fights

The conjugal rights

[Your love-life by now pretty boring]

Alone in your bed with some chocolate instead

Would be really fantastic –

No snoring

It feels good to be two

There’s nothing more true

For a hug, or a cuddle or more

But I look at the twos around me, and I say to myself

Not sure!

Car Memories

It’s nowhere near pay-day
Am I sad, am I blue?
No dear, ‘coz I’m thinking of you

I remember the layby, on the A52,
It will always remind me of you

The wonky door-handle you kicked with your shoe,
And the marks on the roof, they were you

And just outside Bolton,
Where we dented that viaduct
We ‘phoned the AA;
It was more than the AA could do

Winter or summer, through steamy windows
Or feet thru’ the sun-roof
Our passion would carry us thru’

Twin carburettors, thrusting and surging
Speeding thru’ time
In overdrive
Me and you

But now…
As I play with my throttle,
It’s you that I think about constantly,
True

Knickers That Fit

A womens' poem

They say size doesn’t matter
But as we get fatter
It’s important
Knickers That Fit

A brief or a thong
So tight and so wrong
Admit it, and don’t be a twit
Only wear knickers that fit

We get older and wiser
But bigger and fatter
It’s a matter of size
Tight knickers don’t flatter
Just open your eyes and you’ll see

Elastic that pinches superfluous inches
Gussets that bite where the fit isn’t right
Your knickers might not take the strain
Unbearable tension they cannot sustain
Over and over and over again

Are they tight in the beam?
Or struggling to hold at the seam?
Stitches coming apart
In tension, you suffer
Not daring to sit down
Because of the surplus of tum
And the wedgie that’s stuck up your bum

Shortage of fabric
That’s one way to say it in a roundabout way
Too short for your weight
You need to be taller
Your knickers have shrunk and gone smaller

So please won’t you try
When out shopping to buy
Knickers that fit
Not what used to fit you historically

Now you’re bigger
A much fuller figure
Old and wise, but a different size
“They fitted before”
Yes, but now there’s much more of you

Gone are the days of size 10
We may never see then again
Or was it 12 or 14 that you have always have been?
Now you long for sweet little 16

Whatever your past
It’s different today
Figures don’t last
Figures change
And sadly we slip up the range
Towards the plus sizes
Large, and there’s larger than that
You’ve put on a pound or two
Little bit more of you
Rounder, OK just fat

And you cannot disguise
That your diets consisted
Of too many pies
And chips
Chocolate, crisps
High calorie dips
Snacking and grazing
Sitting and lazing


It’s a shame and a pity
When people are hungry today
Not too far away
Just existing, not living,
And here we are tending to fat
Where’s the fairness in that?

And in over-eating, what need are we meeting
Hungry inside for what?
I saw it on Oprah one day
It’s food and it’s mood
And it’s far from OK
‘Coz it’s taking our figures away

Let’s do something about it
Exercise? Diet?
We all ought to try
[Nothing tastes as good as Knickers That Fit feels]
Calorie-counting, jogging and sweating
Never forgetting
Hips and thighs
As we trim to our previous size

Now fitter and slimmer
We smile at the mirror
We pull on our trollies with ease
A fit that feels pleasing, not tight
A fit that feels ever so right
Knickers that fit without pain
Knickers that let you breathe out once again

Now our knickers are slack
With some give at the back
Fitting with comfort and style
At least for a while
Now we smile

‘coz we’ll buy
Knickers so sheer and so fine
No visible panty-line
Satin and silky
Lacy and frilly
Why were we silly to cram ourselves in
To knickers that fitted us when we were thin?

Knickers That Fit
Such bliss
Now tell me.
Does my bum look big in this?

October 2000

A Woman For A Week

I’d love to be a woman for a week
To see the pleasures denied by being on the other side
I’d love to be a woman for a week

I’m not stupid, and I’d pick my week
And I hope I’d find I’d be wined and dined
By intelligent men who say they’ll phone and then……….remember

I’d love to be a woman for a week
A gender experiment
Martian – Venusian
A little transformation
‘coz we’re not talking operation
I’d just love to be a woman for a week

To feel the power
Over stupid men
Time and again
Hey! Look me in the eyes, not the chest
And never mind yet what I’m like undressed

Could I survive as a woman for a week?
The workload – the kids
So much to do
Shopping and cooking, laundry too
And would I survive as a woman for a week?
Feeling the fear – car doors locked
Only safe from harm, when tightly clutching my rape-alarm

Still, I’d love to be a woman for a week
For the gossip, the insight, the female views
Sharing and caring, weeing in twos
I’d do the lipstick, the lingerie, the little black dress
The full lady-shave, the total temptress
I’d enjoy so much, I’d have a ball
Having really long ‘phone calls about nothing at all
And shopping all day ‘coz I’ve nothing to wear
And the multiple thingies – Oh yeah!

But sadly…….
I’ll never be a woman for a week, or a day
I’m a Martian
And it just don’t work that way

March 2002

A Woman's Love

This is not love, if you won’t lie for me

[Only little ones]

“No, of course you don’t need to lose weight”

“Yes, I suppose she is attractive in a way”

This is love

That you put me first

Treat me well

Care for me

Constantly

Unconditionally

Unselfishly

And this is love

That my worries matter to you

But my faults don’t

That our rows don’t linger

Our differences are forgotten

Our anniversaries remembered

And love is really listening to me

Turning the tele off

Putting the paper down

Communicating

Mars to Venus

It is love if you would walk miles for me

In the rain

Fight for me

Die for me

Yet love is also just holding me

When I need you to

Without me asking

And love is saying “Sorry”

Regardless

Wiping my tears away

Love is telling me I look beautiful always

It is commitment and faithfulness

Truth, and no lies

Hard work sometimes

A place of safety always

All this, and more, is love

Nothing is more than love

And without it we are nothing

John Harrison