Holland's Pies

[ A poem from the time of the Sydney Olympics, 2000]

The girl from Greenmount’s boyfriend
Winning Gold for Britain
Swimming with such power, massive thighs
Winning gold with ease
On Holland’s pies and mushy peas
Which the tattoos on his buttocks advertise


Several hours of training
Up and down the cut
Whether it’s rainy or dry
And whenever he’s in need of that bit of extra speed
He grabs himself another Holland’s pie


Something in the pastry
Or the lovely meaty filling
Seems to give him boundless energy
Without flatulence
God willing
Faithful to the end
The athlete’s solid friend
Holland’s, Britain’s premier pie


So as the national anthem plays
Our hero simply says:
I did it for me girlfriend
And I did it for me Mum
But I owe it all to Holland’s
(See the tattoos on me bum)
Without Holland’s steak and kidney
I wouldn’t even be in Sydney
Holland’s - Britain’s medal winning pies
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